Posts tagged love

You were in my dream last night and it was painful. There’s a difference between many of the dreams with you in it. Either I feel your presence, or it’s merely your appearance. I have yet to understand it.

But in my dream..I was with your family having dinner. You were sitting in front of me, facing me. We were both laughing and all of a sudden you vanished. Like a ghost. Poof. I didn’t understand and I looked around at your family, and it was as if I forgot you died and when you disappeared I remembered all over again. 

I cried all over again.

Then your parents said afterwards (in the dream), “You see him too…”

It was bizarre…

I don’t know what my mind is telling me, but I have a feeling it’s a lot of denial I’ve kept inside and it’s building up. I wish you were here to tell me what I should do, but this is what life is….

I have to take the wheel…

A year has come and gone.
Christmas is approaching.
Your birthday is tomorrow.

Time goes by and it confuses me.

…and I’m just sitting here unsure of how to respond to it all, but all I know is that I miss you more than words can say. These are emotions that cannot be properly translated into words. They’re far more overwhelming. They excel in power. Without a doubt, those very emotions could push for destruction but I’ve been able to cope with the best of my abilities. I hope I’ve made you proud… I’ve done things I never thought I could do this year. The rest is detail. Mostly stressful detail…but I hope you’ll watch over me just as you always have.

My angel…

I love you.

Dear Eddie,

The colder it gets in Washington, the more I grow lonely. Not for touch primarily, but for companionship…your companionship. We stood by each other without any problems and you understood me so well. There are so many things we haven’t done together and it tears me apart to know that, but God will take care of you and I will see you again someday, my love. I have faith in that. 

You’d be happy to know I’m stronger than I was before. You tried your best to help me realize I need to drown out the noise and negativity from other people instead of letting it be a burden in my life. I’m still learning, but I have a good grasp on that, Eddie. Instead of dwelling in misery and stress from others, I’ve taken charge of my mind and I’m more than content with my life right now… 

Oh, and my grades? Two A’s and a high B that’s 2 points away from becoming an A…

You were right. I can do it.
You always believed in me…

I miss you, baby.
I love you so very much… Please visit me in my dreams. It’s been too long. <3 

Baby, I’m not proud of myself and I know what you’d say to me but I’m acting up and I feel like it needs to happen this way. Just until I’m ready to accept anyone else in my life. I need to be alone… but I so desperately wish you were here.

Meditating on my dream with you the other day…

One of my fondest memories in Japan was when I’d play kick the can or man hunt with the rest of the neighborhood kids at night. In my dream, it was a dark night on Kadena near the schools and I was running and running and running until I saw a crowd coming towards me. My initial thought was to run away, but then I saw familiar straight dark hair, facial hair, and handsome face… It was you. I ran to you and practically bolted myself into a hug in your arms which you had opened to meet me with so lovingly. 

I was crying.
I was crying hard because I knew…

You lifted my chin up and I just started kissing you on the cheeks and then we kissed. I could feel the tears on my face as I was actually crying in my sleep…and when we stopped kissing, you asked me…

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying? Don’t cry…”

…words I heard from you before. I kept telling you I miss you and I love you and we continued to kiss while I wept…and I woke up. 

I miss you…and I love you…

I’m trying really hard, Eddie, but I’m not handling the possible sentencing well. Nao took your life…a life full of years bound to be more fruitful than his and Maymi’s years put together. You had so much going for you…a bright future in the music industry..and a bright future with love..in love. I would give anything to go back to that night where I said goodbye before going back to college. Just to smell the half smoked cigarettes in your clothes as I hugged you…and so I could have another shot at kissing you. It’s all so unfair…and I’m living with it..but a maximum sentence of 10 years? That means he’d walk out at 28 years old…Still a chance to have a life. He doesn’t deserve it. I hope justice is served inside the prison…

I miss you so much… We find out on Friday. I know you are already doing so, but please look out for your family :(

I love you…

Made the biggest wish on 11/11/11 at 11:11….to spend the rest of my life with you. Now, I remember that all fairy tales come true…even the bad ones. 

I’d give up my voice to be able to walk with you again.
I miss you, baby. I love you.. 

I would give anything…and I seriously mean ANYTHING to be in your arms right now. Never have I ever felt so safe in my life and that beautiful shelter I was briefly blessed with was taken away…and it still hurts. I love you…and I’ll always love you, Eddie.

I hope I don’t lose myself as well…

Hearing what Maymi’s false account of what happened really pulled something inside me. I want to throw up. She’s incredibly stupid if she believes she can get away with such lies. 

I’m doing all that I can, baby, and you know it. 
I won’t rest until you receive the justice you deserve…

Anything for you…
I love you.