This feeling of disbelief and happiness at the same time… How do I even begin to explain? It was only a little over a year ago—the longest year—when I lost someone I love dearly. Without Eddie, I felt hopeless. And even though I knew I’d be happy again someday, the thought of it frightened me. “When? How?” But, here I am. Happy and incredibly blessed. Since that time, l have been graced with friends who are irreplaceable, a stronger relationship with my parents, roommates who have become my sisters, and the sweetest man brave enough to enter my life after I just finished picking up the pieces. “After a storm comes a calm”, and I’ve got to say, from where I’m standing it’s so damn beautiful. I love you all. Thank you.
I’ve been too occupied with other things: school, job hunting again, and Avery. But today, I’ve been sitting here thinking and in that time the reality of what happened to you caught up with me again. It makes me sick to my stomach…because it reminds me of the mornings I had to endure after you were gone…. Having to wake up and remember all over again. I’ve gotten this far though, right? I mean…I guess coming to terms with what happened is going to be a lifelong challenge…
I will always remember you, and you will remember me, just as we will remember the evening, the rain on the windows, and all the things we’ll always have because we cannot possess them.
I’m being taken care of and I know you would approve. He asks me to talk about you, and he’s very accepting. It’s almost as if he loves you—even though he doesn’t know you—because of how much of you’ve influenced me and my life.
I’ve been trying to put myself back into the dating scene, Eddie. I’ve been trying but it’s so easy for me to step one foot into it, and then four steps backwards. It’s scary… especially since it seems like no one accepts me as I am…even if I don’t get close. I don’t really understand what it was you saw in me, but I’m grateful you did because I can’t imagine what it would to do me to be like this without having your love.
I really am trying though….but I don’t want to anymore. For now at least. A break is in order. I deserve better than how I’ve been treated lately. I’m glad I learned how to sort out who I want to keep in my life and who I don’t want to keep thanks to you.
I want to extend my thanks and appreciation to all of you for your support. I know my posts have been scarce lately, but it is mostly because writing is a coping mechanism for me and I have greatly improved since the news of Eddie’s death (as well as the reason I wrote as an answer to a question in the last post).
I admit, I feel guilty I write only when I’m in pain since I know there are those watching my blog who are going through the same thing. To those people, I will do what I can even if it means I am writing to you and not to Eddie.
So here is my message right now: I still stand by what I say—-not all wounds will heal—-but that doesn’t mean things can’t get better.
I won’t… I’ve been wanting to. It’s just some things are hard to articulate when my thoughts and feelings remain the same, but I go on each day with him on my mind and in my heart especially now when things are stressful… I have a lot of decisions to make, and he used to help me determine good decisions from bad. I guess you could say he was my Jiminy Cricket. :) Still is…
I wasn’t prepared for death. Nobody is. You lose someone you love more than you love yourself, and you get a crash course in mortality. You lie awake night after night, wondering if you really believe in heaven and hell and finding all kinds of reasons to cling to faith, because you can’t bear to believe they aren’t out there somewhere, a few whispered words of a prayer away.
Sometimes I think you’re sending me signs, but it’s so hard to determine what they mean. I don’t know what to do about _______________. It’s a tough situation, and I knew it would happen one way or another, but I don’t know if it is a blessing or the opposite.
